Damn Duggers

I often look to the Duggers when I need some advice about how to deal with a situation I may be struggling with. It is not that I htink they do everything right or that they are expert advice givers; it jus seems as though they have to be doing domething right because they and their children seem very happy and well off. Anywho, I saw an episode of their sho 17 and counting (now titled 19 and counting but they have added a couple extra kids since this episode orginally aired) where Grandpa Dugger passed away. I was hoping for some wonderful eye opening statement or something would help me move through some of my feelings....but alas, they are as human as I and dealt with their lose the same that I deal with mine. Well, I guess its good to know I am having a healthy reaction to all of this. Still miss her at times, but at least life continues to move on; just like it is supossed to.


By the way, the Duggars have a show on TLC and here is a link to the Duggars website in case you don't know who they are!

www.duggarfamily.com

I saw...

I saw you in that bed, but where were you really?

I saw you losing touch with us, but who was reaching out to you?

I saw you in so much pain, but could you even feel it?

I saw that look from the nurse, but did she already know?

I saw the beinning of the end, but why didn't I make the call?

I saw your breaths start to slow, but I could only look at your eyes.

I saw you take your last breath, but you were already gone, weren't you?

I felt glad for you, bad for me, worse for others, but it was what it was supposed to be, is that true?

Who could even lift this much weight?

I have a small bit of pressure in the chest area, no not a heart attack....it is sadness. I missed my Aunt today, I probably wouldn't have seen her anyways, but a little heavy hearted anywho....I keep remebering the last week, the last night, the last look from the nurse, the last minute, the last breath....Oh, that last breath. It is weird you know, death. Not as final as I had thought, maybe even had hoped in some ways. I didn't want it to be so final that I may never see her again, but maybe just final enough that it doesn't feel so...so...loose ended. Although, if it was easier we wouldn't have something to remind us to tell our loved ones that they are just that...loved ones. Or maybe I wouldn't be as motivated to keep my patience. I don't think I will ever be over this feeling, just more used to it. An unforgettable feeling for an unforgettable woman I guess. I still talk to her you know? Only when I feel like she is around....like when I was working so hard to make GiGi's present perfect. I felt like she was telling me to quit working so damn hard...she would have been fine with that damn paper, slap it on there and move. Ya, Patti...I know, I know...but it means something to me. I haven't shed those sticky notes yet...I will, I need a somewhat warm morning with a beautiful sunset and no kids. I need deep breaths, moments of silence, and shot...I need great conversations about you, about my favorite memories with you and about that night. I need you to come to me in a dream and make it all better.....I need...I need.......I need a tissue.

Random thoughts of a Mommy

As I stood and watched the boy at his roller skating call today, I couldn't help but wonder if I was helping him by giving him training in something that I as a child was forced to fall through with nothig more than a "Your fine, get up," or if I was in fact making him a pansy. For Gods sake, the boy already wears glasses and only enjoys art and playing on the computer, am I feeding into his "beat me up" attitude. Alas, I love all those things about him, but I hope he can make it successfully through these years of hel we frce our children to participate in (otherwise known as "school"). You know, I still said "Get up, your fine." And I truly hold the boy to high standadrs so I think he will be good.

Jerusalem Cricket

I just wanted to let the world know my cryptonite. This creature makes me stop dead in my tracks. I am unable to get within 3 feet of it out of shear terror. I can tell you that I know this is stupid, in fact this bug is harmless. I still, however, hate them. My mama always said that hate is a strong word and to use cation when using it; this bug gets hate infinity times 2 whatever you say.

It's like, you know....

Well, kids, its that time again....Bridget Blog Time (Imagine The Price is Right music playing in the backround). I am thinking about ghosts....to be fair, I am watching ghost shows on the boob tube. Anywho, my lovely hubby calls and we are discussing our own days and I make mention of something cool I saw the afore mentioned boob tube. My statement was received with a short, squatty "SNORT." Well, snort back at ya brother, or maybe even a cold, hard frut. I, for one of many, believe in ghosts and am not attempting to make you a believer. THIS MY DEAR HUBS IS A NO SNORT ZONE, maybe a frut or 2, but never a snort. I guess I could leave the Hubinator out of future ghost talks (in his dreams), but what kind of relationship is that? Listen folks, I have little to no life. I spend every day at home with children, by choice, but true none the less. So, if I need to indulge in some random waste of time TV watching that so be it. On that same note, if I choose to have ghost talk be a part of one of the few adult convos I have a day than I shall request no snorting. Will the Hubarito oblige? Only time will tell...

A Good Woman, Better Than She Even Knew...

Today we suffered a great loss...a wonderful woman has moved on to a greater place. She will be missed...she is missed. After it is all said and done, I cry for myself, I am selfish and I can admit that because to cry selfishly for such a great woman can't be considered wrong. I love you Patti, I miss you and I will look for you when I reach the other side (and thank you for letting me be with you until the end, a great man once told me about privilages, and if thats not a privilage and an honor than I don't know what is. Thank you for giving me what I needed...I hope I did the same for you, even in the smallest of ways.)


DO NOT STAND ON MY GRAVE AND WEEP (an Irish blessing)

Do not stand on my grave weep,
I am not there...I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow...
I am the diamonds that glints on snow...
I am sunlight on ripened grain...
I am the gental autumn rain.
When you waken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of the gental birds in circling flight......
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry-
I am not there...I did not die...